You Better Watch Your Tongue.

During my childhood years, I was part of a church play. While getting ready, I noticed a loose thread hanging from my costume and walked over to one of the ladies and asked if she had anything sharp I could use to cut it. She looked at me and said, “the sharpest thing I have on me is my tongue.” What an odd response, I thought to myself and simply walked away.

I didn’t fully understand the weight of her words at the time, but as years passed, I saw how true her statement was. Her tongue was indeed sharp; often slicing through conversations with criticism or sarcasm. That memory stayed with me, quietly shaping how I viewed the power of the tongue and eventually leading to the realization that I wasn’t much different.

There was a time when an individual started making fun of my pregnancy and out of anger, I snapped and said, “at least I know I can have children.” The grin on his face disappeared instantly. I immediately excused it for pregnancy hormones, but the truth is, I knew better. I apologized eventually, and he forgave me, but my words were already out there like feathers scattered in the wind. I couldn’t retrieve them nor take them back. The damage was already done. 

On another occasion, I was working with a young woman who was on the heavier side. As I approached her, I casually said, “hi Fatty Carrie*.” She looked at me with utter disbelief and said, “Debbie, I don’t appreciate what you said.” I was stunned at her response because I was so used to making fun of others,  I thought it was the norm. Thankfully, this happened in the early ’90s because if it had happened today, I certainly would’ve likely been fired or written up for verbal harassment.

To this day, those moments still sting whenever I reflect on them. They remind me that words are never "just words.” They carry weight, and once released, they can land softly or with a thud that echoes for years.

A few years ago, I came across a verse that pierced my heart.

Proverbs 17:28 says,

“Even a fool who remains silent is considered wise, and the one who holds his tongue is deemed discerning.”

It struck me so deeply that I changed it to my wallpaper on my cellphone later that day. I hoped that seeing it daily would remind me to hold my tongue in certain situations, but the truth is, nothing changed. Although it was on my cell phone, it was not in my heart - where it needed to be. Where it would take root and cause true transformation.

Psalm 119:11 says,

“I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.”

Eventually, I replaced the verse with a family photo, but continued pleading Lord, how do I control my tongue?

Years later, our Ladies Ministry President at church announced that we’d be starting a book series on the tongue. 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue by Deborah Smith Pegues. Thirty days? I thought. This tongue of mine needs far more than that! Nevertheless, I was eager to join partly because the book was small and didn’t feel overwhelming. Once we began reading, my nerves kicked in. Can you believe the author identified 30 different types of tongues that need taming? Although it wasn’t an exhaustive list, it certainly shed light on various ways we can use our tongue for evil. She began with The Lying Tongue. Then there was The Flattering Tongue, The Manipulating Tongue,  The Argumentative Tongue, The Cynical Tongue - just to name a few. Then, she eventually ended with the Silent Tongue.

The Silent Tongue was the one I truly needed but I had to get through all 29 other tongues before I got to it. The author defined the Silent Tongue as “a tongue that speaks only when necessary, with wisdom and restraint.” Sadly, even after completing the book, I still found myself wielding the same sarcastic, emotion-driven tongue - especially toward my husband. 

I’d often use harsh words to express my emotions toward  him  and I was never one to hold back. If I was upset, he definitely knew it. If I felt hurt, disrespected, or ignored, my words would cut before I even thought them through. Looking back, I realized how often I used my words to dishonour him rather than respect and build him up. I also realized that I was constantly associating with women who showed little to no respect for their husbands. There was a time I attended a function when one wife openly referred to her husband as a “male chauvinistic pig.” A few people laughed it off, but I caught a glimpse of his face and what I saw wasn’t amusement- it was embarrassment and pain.

Moments like that remind me of how our culture has normalized verbal disrespect, especially within the confines of marriage. We use our tongues to criticize, condemn and critique one another but God calls us to something higher and better. Taming our tongues isn’t just about avoiding harsh words, it's about honoring others, even when we are offended or misunderstood. It’s about using our tongues to edify others and build them up.

I know some women whose tongues are as sharp as knives, and trust me, you would not want to cross their paths. They’d cut you up like sliced bread and wouldn’t think twice about it. But oh, how the grace of God transforms us! I’ve seen the Holy Spirit take those same tongues that once spoke harshly and fill them with words of healing, truth, and kindness. Taming the tongue isn’t easy - it requires daily surrender but, as we yield to God, He does what only He can do. He softens what was once hard, sweetens what was once bitter, and brings peace to where there was once only strife. That’s the power of His sanctifying work in our lives.

God has certainly been patient with me and I’m thankful that through this transformation process, He hasn’t silenced my voice - He's been working to soften it, to reshape it, to teach me that taming the tongue isn’t about becoming voiceless - it’s about using my voice wisely. 

As I began this journey of transformation, specifically in taming my tongue, the Lord impressed on my heart to go on a 60-day tongue fast. He instructed me to re-read the book 30 Days to Taming the Tongue, and as I read, my eyes are reopening to the dangers of careless, hasty speech. Just in case you're wondering what a 'tongue fast' is, it's my intentional journey of allowing God to tame my tongue. In the words of the author, “it’s bringing your tongue from a state of unruliness to a state of submission.” As Christians, when we fast, we often abstain from food, but in a tongue fast, we abstain from using our words to hurt others. That means intentionally refraining from gossip, slander, harsh criticism, or any speech that tears down rather than builds up. The author continues to state, “as we ask the Holy Spirit to sensitize us to the negative uses of our tongue, we will begin to resist the temptation to drive down the wrong verbal path.”

What grieved me most was the realization that both Christians and non-Christians alike often use words as weapons. Words that are meant to build, encourage, and speak truth are instead used to tear down. I’ve failed many times in trying to control my tongue but something is different now. I am becoming increasingly aware and intentional about the words I speak. Each day, the Holy Spirit convicts and corrects me, teaching me how to pause, pray, and speak with grace. The tongue  fast isn't just about being silent, it's about surrender.

Proverbs 15:4 says,

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

That’s what I desire most in this season of my life - a gentle tongue. I desire a heart so transformed by God that what comes out of my mouth reflects His presence and not just my emotions. It’s still a journey and there are days I get it wrong, but there’s grace. Lots and lots of grace!

Please note, this was an alias given to my actual worker to protect her identity