The Devious Twins

During a conversation with one of my sisters last year, we reflected on both our present and past experiences. As we talked, we began recognizing similar behavioural patterns and habits in our lives - habits that needed closer attention.These were habits I witnessed in my mom as a young child, habits I hated, and now they were a part of me. How hypocritical of me!

That conversation truly opened my eyes. I started examining my life carefully and noticed behaviours that followed me from adolescence into adulthood, behaviours that rarely aligned with godly living and often led me to blame others rather than take responsibility for my actions. The truth is, I never thought I was doing anything wrong.

As I looked deeper into these sinful tendencies, what I saw stirred a sense of fear in my heart. I didn’t want to miss out on heaven, and I asked myself, if the Lord had returned, would I have made heaven knowing I was engaging in sin? But, as I’m writing this, I’m reminded that God is the One doing a sanctifying work in me daily.

At the time, I didn’t have a name for my behaviour, yet it had become part of my identity, an identity I didn’t like. I quickly saw how these habits were creating conflict in my relationships and it was time for change. What were these habits, you ask? 

They were the devious twins named control and manipulation.

Me? A controller and manipulator? No way! This new discovery was a hard pill to swallow and admitting it was even more painful, but it was the truth. I started reflecting on the numerous occasions I manipulated others without realizing it, along with times others were manipulative toward me.

I’m sharing some of these scenarios with the hope it helps someone recognize the same controlling and manipulative habits in their own life and make a change. 

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I was sitting in the office when the phone rang; it was a client calling to follow up on an email he had sent earlier. I told him I received it and passed it on to my husband, who would get back to him between clients. He insisted the matter was urgent and stated I should make sure my husband called him.

I replied, “I’ve passed on the message, but I can’t make him call.”

His response caught me off guard. “Ms. Debbie, don’t you know how to manipulate your husband to do what you want him to do?” 

He added, “all married women manipulate their husbands.” 

I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth! 

I pushed back and said, “don’t say all married women. If you say some, then I’ll agree with you.” 

The truth was, I knew I fell into the “some women” category, and I felt ashamed. 

Despite the irony in hearing those words while in the process of writing this post, deep down, I couldn’t deny the fact that there was some truth to his statement, however, I was not about to admit to him I was a recovering manipulator! 

I told him plainly that kind of behavior does not honor God. I explained that persuading someone to do something they may not truly wish to do is a subtle form of manipulation; a way of exerting control that oversteps healthy boundaries and using one’s influence for personal gain is simply not right.

After that conversation, I reflected on an incident from my teenage years. My friend was selling watches for $60 on behalf of her brother, and at the time, there were two young men who were fond of me. I asked each of them to pay for the watch to which they both gave me the money, each believing they were the one who had helped. I walked away with an extra $60 that day. My goodness, I was manipulative even at a young age!? That realization left me with a feeling of shame and guilt, but it also led me to search my heart more deeply.

Other memories began to surface, like the time I was working as a manager in Scarborough. I had to take the bus whenever I worked late since I wasn’t driving and my children would already be in bed; it didn’t seem right to have my husband make the 15-minute drive to pick me up. So what did I do? I arranged for associates who lived near me to be scheduled on the same evenings, quietly hoping it would grant me a ride home, which it usually did. I can even remember calling one of them on a night she wasn’t working, asking if she could come and pick me up. Unbelievable!

At the time, I didn’t classify it as manipulation, and truthfully, I didn’t think much of it at all. I had great relationships with my associates and we enjoyed spending time together. Even now, more than twenty years later, those connections still stand strong, but as I reflect while writing this post, I can see it more clearly; I used my position for personal benefit, and that realization has been both humbling and convicting. 

I even recalled a few occasions when I manipulated my children by using flattery, hoping they would respond the way I desired. I noticed how easily it was for me to excuse my own manipulation while being quick to identify it in others. This is the very hypocritical nature of us as humans; we often speak with great passion about how one person is taking advantage of another, yet somehow miss the quieter, more polished ways we may be doing the very same thing. 

This is exactly what Jesus addressed in Matthew 7:5: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

I have witnessed this kind of behavior many times, in the workplace, within families, and even in churches. The truth is, when we are operating in manipulation, we seldom recognize it as sin. More often, it feels reasonable, understandable, and even justified, until God begins to examine our hearts and reveal our motives and intentions.

And that is the matter of the heart, what we refuse to confront does not simply vanish, it remains and lingers beneath the surface. That is why, at the end of the day, I do not merely want my behavior adjusted; I want God to transform my heart, and He is! He is bringing me face-to-face with my ungodly habits that’ve lived quietly in my life for far too long. 

Last year, our church did a series on the four different temperaments, and I discovered that my temperament type is Sanguine-Choleric. During that time, I listened to Florence Littauer based on her teachings, Personality Plus. She shared that one of the negative traits of a choleric personality can be manipulation. Well, I couldn’t argue with her on that one. Guilty as charged!

I’ve learned that manipulation isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes it comes dressed as something “reasonable” or even “necessary,” and can wear the disguise of convenience or self-protection. But when the Holy Spirit shines His light, it’s not to condemn us but to uncover what has been buried. I no longer want to be a controller, as I want to give people the freedom to be who they are. I’ve seen how trying to control friends, relatives and family members has only driven them further away from me. 

After reminiscing on those instances, I realized how much I needed God’s mercy, grace and sanctifying work. I became aware of how easy it is to continue engaging in sin when our hearts remain unexamined. Let us join David in asking God to search our hearts and see if there are any wicked ways in us, and once they are revealed, to confess them and do them no more. 

Whether it’s control, manipulating others, or the subtle ways of trying to get what I want, I know God has called me to surrender it all, and by His grace, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Now, I’m choosing to listen and surrender all control. When someone sets a boundary, I respect it. I no longer try to manipulate my way through it or push past it as I once did. I’ve learned that control and manipulation don’t build relationships, they only tear them down.