Why Can't I Trust Him?

As I sat on my couch pondering one afternoon, I had a flashback to a caption I saw on Instagram a few years ago. It was a photo a pastor’s wife posted of her husband sleeping with his cell phone beside him. The caption read, I don’t have to snoop around trying to figure out who my husband is speaking with. She went on stating how she trusts her husband, and as a result, she wasn’t compelled to unlock his phone and snoop around. Hmmm...interesting. As I continued reading her post, various thoughts bombarded my mind. This level of trust can’t be true. Was God speaking to me through this random, Instagram post? I believed in my heart it was going to be the topic of my next post. I asked the Lord if he was embarrassing me for what I did, but then I heard a gentle voice whisper, I am not embarrassing you, this is your past - the way you used to live. Many wives distrust their husbands, and I am using you to share from your past experiences. Well, here is my story...

I carried a lot of emotional baggage into the early years of my marriage, baggage that left me hurting and distrusting my husband. It’s hurtful to say there were mornings when I woke up before my him, and checked the phone to see who he was speaking with the night before. Yes, talk about distrust. On another occasion, while my husband was going to college, I decided to go through his phonebook and discovered a number I hadn’t seen before. Hmmm...whose number could that be? Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I became suspicious. I decided to call the number, but when no one answered, I hung up. My thoughts began racing. Who was this person, and why did my husband have that number? The unknown was eating me up inside. I decided to take our 2 year old daughter to visit my cousin, in order to give him time to study. Later that day, I called home to check on my husband, but by the tone of his voice, he wasn’t happy to hear from me. I vividly remember hearing the words, “I want to speak with you when you get home”. I asked him what he wanted to talk about, but he wouldn’t tell me. Uh-oh.

When I got home later that evening, I knew something was wrong. My husband rarely gets angry, but when he was, it was very evident in his behaviour. He was quiet, too quiet. As we sat down to talk, he stated that someone called because they had received a missed call from our number. When he mentioned who it was, a wave of fear overpowered me. Oh how I wished phones did not have caller ID! My husband assured the person that he did not call, and was embarrassed knowing it had to be me. As I sat there, he let out a series of questions. Why did you do that? What were you thinking when you called? The questions kept coming. For someone who loved to talk, I was completely speechless. I knew he was fed up with this practice of mine, and although I was pregnant with our second child, I definitely couldn’t blame it on my hormones and changing body. This unhealthy behaviour of checking my husband's call history continued for many years of our relationship. The sad reality was, I did not trust him.

Distrust is the enemy of unity within any relationship. It causes discord, suspicion and eventually turns one’s lover into a suspected enemy. Isn’t that exactly what the devil wants - to sow seeds of distrust and suspicion that will eventually lead to severed relationships and marriages? Distrust is the subtle disease of the heart, that makes the mind sick and leads to the death of many relationships. I know this because I was a victim to this hideous disease.

Why didn’t I trust my husband? One day, as we sat with our Pastor, he asked me this question, “Debbie, do you trust yourself?” To which I quickly responded yes. Deep down within me, I knew that wasn’t true. I still saw myself as a slave to my past behaviours. I did not wake up one morning choosing to distrust my husband. My brokenness started in my late-teen dating years, when on two, separate occasions, I discovered that my boyfriends were in relationships with other women. I felt hurt and betrayed. How could they do such a thing? I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I wasn’t good enough. Fortunately, after many years of pain and deep wounds, my freedom eventually came one day as I confessed my faults to God. I was vulnerable and broken, and according to Ephesians 5:12, I was ashamed to even speak of the things I had done in secret.

That morning in prayer, I cried before God. I was tired of living my life as an enemy of the ones I held dear. I was tired of the pain my distrust inflicted on others. I was tired of being suspicious. It felt like I was battling a demon that wanted to destroy my life. I wanted to heal. Thankfully we serve a God who heals, and He did just that. I thank God for what He revealed to me that morning. He showed me how the men in my early years had betrayed my trust, and as a result, I grew up perceiving men as untrustworthy. I distrusted men. The sad reality is, the only person I was truly hurting was myself. Those men had moved on with their lives, but my husband was paying for the hurtful things that were done to me. I guess the saying is true - hurting people hurt others.

As I continued sitting on my couch trying to write, I was led to read Roman 6:

“Because of the weakness of your human nature, I am using the illustration of slavery to help you understand all this. Previously, you let yourselves be slaves to impurity and lawlessness, which led ever deeper into sin. Now you must give yourselves to be slaves to righteous living so that you will become holy. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭6:19-22‬ ‭(NLT)‬‬

After reading those last words, but now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life, tears ran down my face. Wow, there was no reason for me to feel embarrassed or ashamed. My past behaviour was a result of my past, sinful life. I am no longer a slave to my sin. Sin lost its power over me. I am free. Thankfully, things are different now. My husband and I decided to seek professional help to heal our brokenness and mend our marriage. It has been a beautiful journey to restoration and reconciliation. Today, I have the passwords for his emails and phone, but guess what, I don’t use them, nor am I compelled to check. I trust my husband. Wow, I can finally say that I trust my husband! Talk about transformation.

This song came to mind while writing:

“It is different now since Jesus saved my soul, it’s different now since by his blood I’m whole. Satan laughed at me, but Jesus set me free. Oh it’s different, yes it’s different now.”

I’m glad to attest it’s so different now. I’m so different now. I encourage you to speak with someone if you struggle with trusting your spouse. Maybe, just maybe, it stemmed from something in your past. Seek godly counsel or professional help, don’t be ashamed. Don’t let the disease of distrust result in the death of your relationship. God brought me through those years of heartache so I can share with you and today, I am thankful for the opportunities I have to speak with married women who share their struggles with me. I’m grateful I have the full support of my husband and children. They never condemn me for my past, but encourage me to keep writing - which I will do, by God’s Grace.