When Jealousy Strikes

After writing September’s post, I asked the Lord for direction regarding my next post - nothing came to mind at the time, so I left it. About a couple weeks had passed, and one day while relaxing and reminiscing about the day, I heard the Lord whisper to me that my next blog will be on jealousy. Fear gripped my heart. Jealousy?! I wasn’t ready to write about this topic, as it was something I had struggled with for years before the Lord delivered me. Well, it’s something I have to guard daily.

As I sat in my bedroom that afternoon, the Lord began to reveal the things He wanted me to share regarding jealousy. Talk about a painful experience! I was completely ashamed about that part of my life due to the behaviour I displayed, and the relationships that were ruined due to that ugly, green monster. This was an area in my life I wanted to keep buried; keep hidden from the outside world, because up until that point, I hadn’t spoken to anyone about that dark time in my life. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I wanted to follow through with writing, but this isn’t called The Truthful Journey for nothing!

It started about thirteen years ago, when my husband handed me the phone one morning and said someone wanted to speak with me. It was someone I hadn’t spoken to for months - someone I had pulled myself away from. On a few occasions she invited my family to her home for birthday parties, to which I would turn down without a valid reason. That morning as I answered the phone, I was greeted with a hi stranger, to which I responded defensively and assured myself that I was no stranger, but she was. I proceeded to remind her, she no longer calls the house for me, but for my husband. Oh, someone is jealous, she said. Me, jealous? Of course not. I definitely was not about to admit to her I was jealous! After all, Why should I be? This was someone I had been friends with for almost four years. Someone whose daughter is my godchild. Someone who shared her struggles with me. Someone I prayed with over the phone. Someone who called me her sister. Now, I didn’t understand why my husband appeared to be on the phone so often with her, but after drilling him, he disclosed he was helping her and her boyfriend purchase their new home. Had I been honest with myself, I would quickly discover that I was indeed jealous.

Looking back, our relationship could’ve been mended had I admitted my jealousy. My foolish pride prohibited me from humbly walking in obedience to the word which encourages us to live free from participating in the darkness of jealousy (Romans 13:13). One thing I knew however, was that those words, ‘someone is jealous’ had really triggered something within that made me feel uncomfortable. Am I really a jealous person? Years had passed since that phone conversation, yet our relationship remained severed. We no longer had a sisterly friendship. As the years progressed, I noticed the same behavioural pattern arising when my husband developed relationships with people, whether male or female. The green monster began to raise its ugly head again, which caused many conflicts within our marriage. Although most of the calls were from his clients, I wanted to know who called, and why they were calling. I was the Nag Police! These questions caused him to get upset; however, I couldn't understand why.

As I began examining my life and former relationships, I began to notice a toxic pattern, and for the first time in my life, I admitted, God, this has nothing to do with my husband, but me. As I looked at my behaviour, especially as a teenager, I could identify how my jealousy caused me to act out in rage, causing me to destroy relationships with the ones I held dear. On one occasion, I gave someone a gift, but after becoming jealous over a situation, I took back the gift and burned it. Yes, I burned it! You could’ve described me as a Mad, Black Woman! In my teenage years, I began to harass my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend after he broke up with me. I continued acting out in rage, until one day, my jealous ways caught up with me. One evening, I was called into a meeting with my parents, the Pastor and the Pastor’s councils. Like the bible said, behold your sins shall find you out, and mine sure did. That evening, my parents were informed about the wicked things I was doing out of jealousy. As I sat there and heard the Pastor itemize the things I had done, how I wished the earth could open up and swallow me alive! Although I was embarrassed by my actions, nothing really changed by the end of the meeting. I left there the same, jealous, rage-filled person.

Now sitting in my bedroom 36 years later, I discovered a few things while examining my heart:

My jealous behaviour was getting me all stressed out

I was annoying my husband with my negative behaviour

Although I was saved, I was still yielding to my fleshly desire of jealousy

Things are not always about me

It’s ok for people to have friends other than me

I had to make a decision, do I continue destroying relationships or do I allow the Holy Spirit to change me?

I chose the latter. I didn’t want to continue living my life as a jealous person who kept destroying relationships, but I wanted the Holy Spirit to change me. I wanted to be better, to do better. One morning, I started by praying Psalm 139:23, and asked God to search me and convict me of all my wicked ways. As I sat there quietly with my journal and pen in hand, the Lord began showing me what was hidden in my heart. He showed me my sin of jealousy and how it was influencing my actions within my marriage and other relationships. First Corinthians 3:3 perfectly summed up the condition of my heart in stating

“You are still controlled by your sinful nature. You are jealous of one another and quarrel with each other. Doesn’t that prove you are controlled by your sinful nature? Aren’t you living like people of the world?”

What else can I say when God asks a question? Did my behavior prove I was controlled by my sinful nature? It certainly did. That morning, I repented of my sin of jealousy, and asked God to forgive me. But it didn’t stop there. I remember reading Galatians 5:19-2, which says

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God”.

There was jealousy in the midst of all the other sins mentioned in that chapter, and Paul said, if we continue living in jealousy, we will not inherit the Kingdom of God. If I continued living in jealousy, I wouldn’t inherit the Kingdom of God. That scared me. The word of God isn’t just for our enlightenment, but we are to take heed and apply it to our lives - that’s how we distinguish ourselves from people of this world. I wanted to do just that, I not only wanted to read the scriptures, but apply them to my life so I can be a light. I wanted to make it right with my friend. As uncomfortable and humiliating as it was, I sent an email asking her to forgive me for my behaviour which initially drove the wedge between us. A day or two later, I received a response. She mentioned she had nothing against me, but was disappointed by my actions. Debbie, of all the people I know, I had really looked up to you. She had looked up to me, yet that is how I treated her? I sat on the chair reading it with a sense of shame. My heart was crushed. Our friendship didn’t heal right away, however, since we both worked for the same company, I saw her one day while attending a meeting. After many years of separation, we embraced with a big hug. That was the start of something new. As time went on, we spoke irregularly, but I began to pray and asked God to help me regain and heal our broken friendship.

Last year, September 19th, 2019, I was listening to a message by T.D. Jakes entitled Grasping the Moment. I really can’t tell you what the entire message was about, but one statement that stood out was, God is going to give you a moment, and what you do with it is up to you. Profound statement, yet I didn’t think of it much at the time. Then two months ago, I got a call from my friend, asking for my family and I to support her in a walk for mental health on behalf of her late mother. My first thought was to decline since it was a Sunday, but after speaking with my family, we decided to support her and her family. God was about to give me the moment I’ve been praying for, so I embraced it. On September 20th 2020, a year and one day after God gave me the word, and thirteen years later, my family and I joined her family to walk in honour of her mother who suffered from a mental illness. It was a wonderful reunion. We hugged, jumped up and took pictures in the parking lot. I even got the chance to embrace my goddaughter who now is 16 years old. Talk about reconciliation. Talk about second chances.

To this day, God continually provides opportunities for me to seek forgiveness from the various individuals I have hurt, and graciously allows me to mend those severed relationships. I Thank God for His grace.

One of the people I had to open up to was my husband. Although it was difficult to admit I was a jealous wife, I knew it had to be done. One day on our weekly date night, with my heart filled with fear, I told him. I admitted I was a jealous wife, and that my malicious actions had stemmed from jealousy. I felt the burden lift off my chest. I felt free. But prior to that conversation, my husband asked me to forgive him for the ways he disrespected me by his interactions with some of his female friends. From then on, I saw a change in his behaviour, and thought it only fitting to share with him that my jealousy had a part to play. Today, he shows me respect, and makes a daily effort never to do things which will cause me to question him.

Friends, I wish I could say it’s all good now, but still it’s a daily battle, as a friend once said, the devil will always tempt you where he was last successful. I have to stay alert, and guard my heart daily. Even if I’m overlooked, I remind myself that it’s not all about me. One of the scriptures the Lord used as a reminder is from 1Corinthians 16:13-14, which says,

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

My friends, this is my story. But what about you? What sin is continually besetting you and destroying your relationships? What sin is driving you to act in ways that dishonor God? What sin is causing the word of God to be blasphemed because of your conduct? What God did, and is still doing in my life, can be said for you too.

I encourage you to look inside your own heart right now and ask the Lord what He sees? Ask God to see if there is any wicked way in you, and to convict you of those sinful ways. Prayerfully approach the scriptures and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the dark areas of your life. Do you see any of the sins that Paul lists in Galatians 5:19-21? You can start this week on jealousy, envy or any of the other sins by being honest with yourself and being willing to look deep into your heart to find out what's in there. This is the time to face your sinful behavior(s) and put them to death through the power of the Spirit. If he did it for me, surely He can do it for you too!