What’s Bugging You?

As a little girl, when someone asked me what I was afraid of, I would confidently answer, "nothing." Fear wasn’t something I gave much thought to as I played with bugs, caught lizards, and chased butterflies without hesitation. I remember my friends and I boldly going after those little creatures without fear - just pure adrenaline and excitement. 

But one day, everything changed.

It all started in the late '70s - my pre-teen years. I was watching TV with my family one night when a large moth flew into the house. One of my parents ran outside in a panic, leaving me and my siblings with the ferocious beast flying aimlessly throughout the room! Chaos broke out as we screamed and tried to escape the intruder. I don’t remember what happened after, but a few moments later, thankfully the moth was no longer flying and I breathed a sigh of relief. 

That moment traumatized me more than I realized, and not long after, I became fearful of dark rooms, bugs, bees, and even the beautiful butterflies I once chased.

Presently, whenever a bug flies by, I freeze in fear and start panicking if it gets too close. I hate bugs! To this day, my family often wonders why I’m so afraid of things so small and harmless and truth be told, I wonder too. I wonder to the point of deep self reflection and soon discovered that my fear went far beyond a few creepy, crawling critters - it was much deeper. 

The more I peeled back the layers, the more I discovered it wasn't about the insects at all. Fear had made a home inside me, and it had many names: 

• Fear of failure

• Fear of sex

• Fear of rejection 

• Fear of people

  
  

My goodness, my life was full of fears! I didn’t realize it was a stronghold the enemy had built, brick by brick and lie by lie. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing I could do - pray. That day, I went on my knees and I felt as though that stronghold had been lifted.

The Lord led me back to my early childhood; to a place of deep pain and trauma. Being a victim of sexual abuse, I buried my trauma for so long and never realized how severely it fractured my sense of safety, confidence, and identity. That pain gave birth to fear, and fear wove itself through every corner of my life.

I was unaware that my suppressed pain, trauma and fear was the root that was poisoning the fruit of who I was. It was time to dig that root up. 

I wanted to be free, no, I needed to be free. So, I began confronting my fears one by one.

Fear of Failure. As a child, I was constantly told that if I failed any exam, I would be severely punished. I tried my best, but my best was never good enough, because I still failed, and I was still punished. Over the years, I developed anxiety whenever I had to write any exam, because I was afraid of failing. 

In the late '90s, my pastor began addressing emotional strongholds in our church, and one Sunday, he prayed for deliverance from the fear of failure. That moment sparked a shift in me, and I suddenly felt like I could take on the world! But the test of knowing whether I was truly free, was to attempt to do something I feared - my citizenship exam. In 1994, I applied for Canadian citizenship. I studied for weeks, wrote the exam and passed. Passing that test was a huge victory. Because I didn't want to fail. 

In 2002, I enrolled to get my driver’s license. I passed the written test but failed my first road test. I wanted to give up, but then I heard the Lord say, "Go back and get your license." I did and I passed. Little by little, the fear of failure began to lose its grip.

Fear of Sex. One may think that once you are married, sex will become one of the best experiences in your life, but for me it wasn’t. I didn’t understand why, and it caused numerous problems in my marriage. 

In 2007, I bought a book titled, Confessions of a Pastor by Craig Groeschel. He shared his inner struggles, questions, doubts, and fears. When I read his chapter on the fear of sex, I was stunned. A pastor? Struggling with the same fear? I was completely spellbound, yet relieved that I wasn’t the only one. Reading that chapter changed everything as it all suddenly made sense. I feared sex, which made it unenjoyable because my unhealed and buried trauma was still affecting how I viewed myself, which negatively impacted my intimacy.

Thankfully, God didn’t leave me in that place. He lovingly guided me to ask my husband to pray for me and break the negative effects of the abuse and the unhealthy and traumatic sexual experiences I had before marriage. My husband prayed and thankfully, I was delivered!

Fear of Rejection. Rejection had rocked me to my core ever since I was a teenager, as each rejection I encountered in my relationships chipped away at my self-worth. I saw myself as unworthy and unlovable. Why am I treated this way? Why are some men so deceitful and wicked? Why would they do the things they do, and think it’s ok? I had more questions than answers, but thankfully, God had the final answer. 

I’ll never forget the words He whispered that day.

"That person may not love you, but I love you. And I will always love you."

God’s love became my anchor.

Although I was set free, I still struggled occasionally. I found myself trying to "earn" God’s love by doing things for Him. In 1999, I read Habits of the Mind by Dr. Archibald D. Hart. I typed up some declarations from the book and framed them. There were two that resonated with me:

• “I can never travel beyond the reach of God’s love.”

• “Hating myself does not make God love me more, it makes it difficult for me to see His great love”

  I repeated those words often and when rejection tries to rear its ugly head, I return to God’s Word and find peace.

Fear of People. I remember the day I was sexually abused. My abuser said to me,  “Don’t tell your mother, or she’ll beat you,” and I believed him. From that point onward, I lived in constant fear of my mom. Not the healthy fear that compels you to love, honour and respect your parents, but a fear that caused the hairs on my back to stand up everytime she was around. 

In last month’s post, I shared that my personality thrives on relationships. So to admit I had a fear of people, especially women, felt like a contradiction.

One morning, I read Psalm 118:6 which says;"The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” As my husband and I drove by the gas station later that day, I noticed the gas price read: 118.6. I gasped! “That’s the same chapter and verse I read this morning!” I told my husband excitedly. 

Every morning after that, I saw the same gas price,118.6. Two weeks later, I pointed it out to my daughter and we both smiled in awe. I told her, “I believe the Lord is telling me to keep reading Psalm 118” -  and I did.

Thankfully, I’m no longer afraid of people. Ever so often I may encounter a hardship that will rock me to the core, but although it might suck the wind out of me, I bounce back stronger than before. 

So I ask,

What are you afraid of? And more importantly, do you know the root of that fear?

Bring it into the light! Let God show you the truth that will set you free. Healing begins when we stop running and start facing our past.

I’m not saying the journey is easy but it will certainly lead to your deliverance. Every step I take toward healing is one step away from fear, and thankfully, fear loses its grip in the light of God’s truth.

As I brought each of my fears before the throne of Grace, God began to break every chain, one by one. I’m still on this journey and truthfully, some days are harder than others. But I no longer live bound by fear. I walk with the One who sees every hidden place in my heart and calls me beloved. I am glad to announce that by God’s grace, I am no longer bound by the fears that once held me captive - I have been delivered! 

Well… I’m still working on the bug part. They really bug me! 

Allow Me to Pray 

Lord Jesus, 

You know every part of us, including the parts we try to hide. You see our fears, our past, and our pain. And yet, You do not turn away from us.

Today, we bring our fears to You. We lay them at Your feet. Show us what’s beneath them. Heal what’s broken in us. Set us free from every lie the enemy has planted in our heart.

Give us Your Spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. Teach us to walk boldly in the truth of who You say we are, beloved and forgiven children of God.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

DeclarationI’m no longer a slave to fear… I am a child of God.