The Assumption That Stole My Peace!

While having a conversation with a pastor-friend of mine a few years ago, I shared some thoughts with him, to which he replied, "those are all assumptions with no facts. You should never assume!" 

He then asked if I knew what happens when we assume. I told him I didn't. He said, “you’ll make an Ass between U and Me.” When he explained it to me, I was shocked for two reasons. First, he was a pastor, and I couldn't believe he was saying that! Second, what he said was a real eye-opener.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how often assumptions influenced my thinking, my relationships and even my understanding of situations. I often easily formed opinions without knowing all the facts and those assumptions led me down a rabbit trail of emotions. 

As an eleven-year-old, I used to wait up at night for my dad, especially on Friday nights when he would be out with his friends. I would stand at the bedroom window looking into the darkness, waiting for him to come home. While I waited, my mind would often drift to the worst possible scenarios. I assumed something terrible might happen to him on his way home and believed no one would be around to help him. I simply thought I was being concerned about my dad, but this was far more than just “concern.”

Years later, I began reflecting on that incident and my friend's words began to make sense. I wanted to understand what had caused me to assume things, even at such a young age and one word immediately came to mind - fear.

I was afraid of losing my dad and afraid of something happening to him when he was out of my sight. What I noticed was that as soon as his car pulled into the driveway, my fear disappeared (or so I thought), and I was finally able to go to bed. Sadly, the cycle of assuming the worst whenever I lacked information would repeat itself the following weeks, months and years to come.

Let me show you what I mean.

One day, both my sister and I were trying out for the school choir. Since we basically have the same name, more or less, I heard the choir director saying, "Oh, how good Debbie is singing!" Immediately, I felt proud and encouraged. Sadly, she was referring to my sister, not me. Right away I assumed that if she was praising my sister, then I must not be good at all. I felt my ego begin to deflate and thought to myself, I must not be good.

In another instance, I saw two of my sisters talking together and without hearing a single word of their conversation, I assumed they were talking about me. I had absolutely no evidence, just a conclusion I had created in my own mind.

On another occasion, I came home from school and noticed that my mother's facial expression wasn't pleasant. Right away, I assumed I had done something wrong and she was upset with me. Once again, I drew a conclusion before knowing the facts.

In each of those situations, I allowed assumptions to fill in the gaps with fear and lies, rather than the truth, and in retrospect, I see how fear, lies, insecurity and uncertainty often fueled my assumptions. Instead of seeking the truth, I filled in the blanks with my own conclusions, which were most of the time false. The unfortunate reality is, assumptions rarely bring peace; they often create anxiety, misunderstandings and unnecessary emotional burdens.

This made me wonder, how many relationships were strained because of my assumptions? How many sleepless nights were caused by believing something that wasn't even true? How many opportunities did I miss because I assumed the worst about myself, others, or even God? One particular experience early in my marriage showed me just how quickly assumptions can turn simple, everyday experiences into panic.

Shortly after getting married, my husband began helping his friend once a week with his new business. Most evenings he would arrive home around the same time, however, one evening, he was more than two hours late and there had been no phone call. Keep in mind this was almost 37 years ago; there were no cell phones, no text messages and no way to quickly check on someone's whereabouts.

As the minutes passed, I started to panic.

Where could he be?

I called the friend he had been helping, only to be told that my husband had left almost two hours earlier. That information didn't help at all. If he had left that long ago, where was he?

My mind immediately began filling in the blanks as it was a snowy evening. What if there's been an accident on the highway? What if he's hurt? Before I knew it, my thoughts had raced to the worst-case scenario, even though I had no facts to support those fears.

Tears started to flow uncontrollably. Something must have happened to him. Why isn't he home? Why hasn't he called? Why can't he stop at a pay phone and call home?

No matter how many questions I asked, there were no answers - no facts. 

Looking back now, I can clearly see what was happening. Fear had once again stepped in and assumptions quickly followed. Without any facts, I created a story in my mind and convinced myself that the worst had happened.

About half an hour after I spoke with his friend, my husband finally walked through the door.

Relief washed over me, but so did frustration.

When I asked where he had been, he explained that he had been searching for a Valentine's gift for me. Unfortunately, most of the stores had already closed by 6:00 p.m., so finding something had taken much longer than expected.

He then handed me a gift box and inside was a beautiful, gold watch.

By that point, I had spent hours worrying, crying, and imagining every possible disaster that I couldn’t accept his gift with gladness. I was relieved that he was safe, but I was also upset and emotionally exhausted. Although the evening didn't end in a fight or an argument, there were other times when my assumptions caused many rifts that ultimately ended in disputes. I clearly remember how helpless I felt during those arguments as I was experiencing the same feelings as that eleven-year-old girl waiting for her dad to come home. 

That experience revealed something important about myself. My assumptions were not based on facts; they were based on fear, and since I didn't have the answers, I filled the void with all the worst-case scenarios possible.

How often do we do the same thing?

When we don't have all the information, we draw our own conclusions. We assume people’s motives and opinions of us. We assume what the future holds. We assume God isn't working because we can't see what He's doing. Assumptions often lead us away from truth and into unnecessary worry. There were times when my kids or even my husband would be out, and fear would begin to creep in. In those moments I would sense the Lord saying to me, “Debbie, trust me, you already placed them in My hands. Trust me, all will be well.” Thankfully now, whenever I begin to jump to conclusions or make a statement without knowing all the facts, the Holy Spirit gently nudges my heart and says, "that's an assumption." This area is where God is still at work and I’m grateful. 

As I reflect on these experiences, I can see that assumptions thrive in the absence of facts, but faith thrives in the presence of trust. God has been teaching me that when I don't know the whole story, I don't need to fill in the blanks with fear. Instead, I can trust the One who already knows the ending from the beginning. He told me on a few occasions, “He is in my tomorrow,” so there’s no need to fear!

As God continued to challenge my thinking, He reinforced this lesson through divine counsel and teachings. One Sunday, my pastor's wife began a series on offense, and as I reviewed my notes afterward, one particular statement stood out to me; the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true it had been in my life.

"Many offenses grow from assumptions rather than facts."

My notes went on to say:

"Sometimes we respond to what we think happened instead of what actually happened."

I wholeheartedly agreed with that statement because I can personally attest to it. There were times when I didn't have all the facts about a situation and I formed conclusions too quickly. When the truth was eventually revealed, I felt foolish for making assumptions without knowing the whole story. It was a humbling reminder of the importance of seeking understanding before making judgments.

Fortunately, I can see more clearly how assumptions have made a fool out of me at times. It  caused unnecessary worry, created emotional turmoil and led me to believe things that were never true in the first place. Assumptions often convinced me that I knew the whole story when, in reality, I only knew a small part of it.

I've also learned that assumptions can rob us of peace. They can damage relationships, create offense, fuel fear and keep us trapped in unhealthy thought patterns. When we assume, we often become judge, jury and witness all at once, without having enough evidence to support our conclusions.

In my quest to grow in this area of my life, I found these questions from Darcy (2023) I can ask myself whenever I catch myself starting to make assumptions:

• What facts do I have to prove this thought is true?

• What facts do I have to prove this thought isn't true?

• Is there a more realistic or balanced way of looking at this situation?

• Am I responding to facts or to my fears?

• Is this really my own belief, or is it something I learned from someone else and never questioned?

• Is this truly what I think, or simply what I've always assumed?

• What would life look like if the opposite of this assumption were true?

• What if this assumption didn't exist at all—how would I think, feel, or respond differently?

  
  

I hope these questions can be a tool and source of accountable encouragement for those of you who struggle with making assumptions as I did.

As believers, God calls us to walk in truth, not speculation. He invites us to bring our fears and uncertainties to Him rather than allowing our minds to fill in the blanks. When we don't have all the answers, we can trust the One who does.

Perhaps that's one of the greatest lessons God has been teaching me: assumptions grow in the absence of facts, but faith grows in the presence of truth. When we choose truth over assumptions, we leave room for peace.

 Proverbs 18:13: "He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him. 

Works Cited

Darcy, A. M. (2023, March 2). Assumptions – Why they are wrecking your mood and how to stop making them. Harley Therapy. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/making-assumptions.htm