My Freedom continues....

Could I ever stop these thoughts from harassing my mind? It felt almost impossible. I was so afraid to confess to anyone I was struggling with negative thoughts about myself. How would they perceive me if they knew my struggles? I knew I was a Christian, and that God loved me, yet, it was hard to take those thoughts captive since they were constant and fierce. But I had a secret weapon…prayer.

I spent most of my prayer time confessing my struggles to God, as it seemed my thoughts were kissing me good night and greeting me in the mornings. Subconsciously, they began to affect my attitude and behaviors… they were no longer routed in love.

One day, my daughter who was thirteen at the time, asked if I was suffering from low self-esteem. Wow, did that question ever hit me like a ton of bricks! I was embarrassed, ashamed and angry. How dare she ask such an insensitive question? Yes, I was angry, but there was truth behind her innocent inquiry. I was struggling with low self esteem. The truth of the matter is, I wasn’t angry that she had asked… I was angry that she had noticed.

This moment of enlightenment encouraged me to take action. My thoughts weren’t only affecting me, they were beginning to affect my family. I decided to seek the Lord for help and began to deeply reflect upon my past and my current state of mind. As I began reflecting and praying, certain things began to surface

I blamed myself for my abuse, which left me feeling guilty

I was bullied as a child, which resulted in deep wounds and feelings of hurt

I was angry with my parents because I felt they were never there for me

I was scared that once my husband discovered my past, he would be angry

Wow, was that ever freeing. My hurts, fears and guilt were eating me alive and keeping me in bondage. But that moment gave me the courage to confess my past to my husband. I was no longer fearful of what he might think, I wanted to be free! During that night we both cried…well, he shed the most tears 😊 He wished he had known those things before, as he felt he could’ve helped in ways I couldn’t help myself. I’m grateful I was able to speak with him, along with other trusted friends and family members whom God had placed in my life. Additionally, my pastor recommended a few books, which were encouraging and definitely helped me on my journey.

Ever so often, negative thoughts about my past would come to mind, but I know who I am, whose I am, and unlike before… I know how to take those thoughts captive!

Please join me as we pray:

Heavenly Father, thank you for shining your light in our darkest areas. We know that in you there is no darkness, and if we walk in the light as you are in the light, we can experience the freedom that your light brings. You bring us freedom from the hurt, pain and guilt that seem unescapable. Please forgive me for thinking I could live independently from you, and that I can conceal my struggles from your omniscient spirit. Help me to continue relying on you throughout this journey.

In Jesus’ name. Amen

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect”. Romans 12:2 NLT