Look At What You Made Me Do

I was a pleaser. It had reached the point where instead of obeying the Lord, I disobeyed Him in order to please people. No matter how hard I tried, I always gave in. Why was it so difficult to say no? Why was it so hard to set boundaries? My people-pleasing ways affected not only my relationship with others, but also tainted my perspective of God. I thought I had to do things in order to be accepted by Him, not realising I was already accepted. There was nothing I needed to do, yet, I still felt like I had to do something.

After years of struggling, one day I came across John 5, where Jesus asked a man, “Do you want to get well?” I felt like this question was directed at me, and I quietly answered, “yes! I do.” I began asking God to reveal why I was such a people-pleaser, and why I always had to say yes. After what seemed like years, one day the Lord answered my cry, bringing to mind an incident that happened in 1978. He showed me the time I was given the opportunity - together with my sister - to visit our uncle and his wife for two weeks. It was so great to be away from home! We spent time with an elderly couple during the day, enjoyed my aunt’s famous stewed chicken and rice in the evenings, and went to church with her niece on Sundays. One of the best parts was indulging in the fresh bread we received from her neighbours who owned a bakery.

A few days before it was time to return home, our uncle promised to take us to a soccer game. Although we didn’t see much of him due to his job, the mere thought of a live game was thrilling. That afternoon, we got dressed and were ready to go! Everything was going perfectly, until my aunt came outside and uttered to my uncle, “is your woman going to be there too?” Well, that threw him in a rage. Up until that moment, I’d never seen my uncle angry, but that quickly changed. As soon as those daggering words left my aunt’s mouth, my uncle picked up a stone from the yard and charged right at her. He started punching her, while my sister and I - together with the neighbours - stood there, frozen and horrified. I remember my aunt trying to cover her face, but my uncle overcame her efforts. Despite the large crowd looking on, no one intervened. No one tried to stop him. No one helped. After his vicious attack, my uncle calmly walked over to where we were standing, and asked if we were still coming with him or not.

I stood there, frozen. What should I do? Should I stay with my aunt who was just viciously attacked or should I go with my uncle who was in a blind rage? Fear gripped me. If I stay, would he be upset with me? But if I go, would she be angry? I didn’t have the chance to decide, as my uncle stormed off and left us standing there. After a few minutes, my sister and I walked inside the house, overcome with fear. We’d never seen such violence like that before. Relatives had gathered in the living room and were attending to my aunt. One placed ice over her eyes to help with the swelling, while another comforted her. I quickly glanced at her face, and that’s when I noticed both eyes were swollen shut.

I stood in the doorway staring at her. I knew she was in a lot of pain, but there was nothing I could do. I stood there, leaning against the door looking on in silence. She knew I was standing there, and after a few minutes, she mentioned my sister and I would be sleeping beside our uncle, since she’d be sleeping in the guest room. Sleep with my uncle? She wanted us to sleep beside the man who just violently attacked her? Luckily, my uncle didn’t come home that night, so my sister and I enjoyed a good night's rest on their big bed.

We spent about two more days before my uncle took us home. The atmosphere in the home was calm, mainly because my uncle wasn’t there. I tried my best to stay out of my aunt's way, and didn't want to do anything to upset her. When the day came for us to leave, I remember my uncle leaned over to my aunt and said, “look at what you made me do.” Those six words changed my life forever. At first I didn’t know what to think. Was the attack my aunt’s fault? When I got home that day, I didn’t say a word to anyone. I was terrified. Over the course of the week, the incident kept replaying in my head. Would that happen to me if I ever spoke out? Would my face become a punching bag? I feared ever getting anyone upset, so what did I do? I became a pleaser. I began overexerting myself in order to please people - family, friends, colleagues, church members - whoever it was, I always said yes. I didn’t want to upset anyone. I didn’t want anyone to do to me what my uncle did to my aunt. I didn’t want to become a punching bag. I’m uncertain what caused my uncle to assault my aunt that afternoon, but his actions didn’t only affect my aunt physically, they affected me emotionally and menally.

Fast-forwarding to my mid-twenties, I was given a book to read entitled, The Pleasers: Women who can’t say no, and the men who control them by Kevin Leman. As I read the book, I was surprised how similar my story was to some of the people in the book. For instance, in the early years of my marriage, the phone would ring while having supper with my husband, and I felt I had to get up and answer it, even though I was enjoying his company. On other occasions, I received invitations to functions, and even though I wanted to decline, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I preferred to inconvenience myself rather than just say no.

Thankfully, today I am a recovering pleaser. I am learning to say no, and to set boundaries. I refuse to allow others to take advantage of me, or guilt trip me into giving in. I no longer take on every problem and situation, which used to wear me down. I choose which text messages and phone calls are top priority and don’t feel guilty for not answering right away. I enjoy saying no. It’s liberating! After all, no is an answer too, right!

If you struggle with any of the following, you might just be a pleaser without knowing it:

1. Do you do things just for others to notice you?

2. Do you only attend church only when your Pastor is there?

3. Do you say yes, even if everything inside of you is screaming “SAY NO”?

4. Do you pray or read your bible only when others are watching?

5. Do you have the urge to do things in order to please the Lord?

6. Do you do things to please your spouse, only to get upset when they don’t give you the applause you were expecting?

7. Are you more concerned with what people say, more than what God says?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, I encourage you to self-reflect and examine your motives for pleasing others. Ask yourself the hard questions, strive to set healthy boundaries with others, and practice how to respectfully say no!