God, Why my son?

Why me, God? There were four other ladies in my church who gave birth to sons around the same time I did, but why was it my son who had to be born with a disability? Why didn’t you give us a “normal” son, God? You knew how much my husband wanted a son, why did you give him a son that he can’t do father-son activities with, God?

Those were some of the questions I battled with once we discovered our son was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay. For those who may not know, this term is used to describe children who are significantly delayed in their cognitive and physical development. So although my son will be 20 this June, he is significantly behind cognitively, socially, and communicatively. Well, I was furious with God for giving me a son with an intellectual disability. I have two daughters who do not have disabilities, so why couldn’t he be like them? Those thoughts were lodged in my mind, and it didn’t take long for them to develop into envy whenever I saw other parents interacting with their “normal” children. During those times, I felt embarrassed that my son couldn’t do the same things children his age were doing. Other children would look at him funny when they realized he couldn’t walk and talk like they did. That hurt me deeply.

At the age of two, we noticed our son wasn’t walking or talking. My husband and I rarely spoke about his delayed development, and I didn’t know what to think at that time since all of this was new to me. I certainly wasn’t handling it well, and struggled with the fear of being judged if I chose to open up about my feelings. I felt like no one would understand. But, that all changed one day. I will never forget one Sunday morning at church, an individual walked over to me and said, “God said to tell you, He didn’t give you a bad gift”. Well I began to cry! Up until that point, I hadn’t spoken to anyone about how I felt, so I completely broke down when I heard those words. I knew it came from the Lord. After church was dismissed, the individual hugged me; reassuring me that Anthony was not a bad gift, but a beautiful gift from God. Oh how I wanted and needed to hear those words. I felt a bit of relief.

A couple years later, my Pastor asked me to preach. While seeking the Lord in prayer, He impressed on me to speak about my son, which I did. I didn’t go into much detail that morning because prior to that moment, I still hadn’t spoken to anyone about my son, nor did anyone speak to me. After the service, a friend of mine approached me with tears in her eyes, asking me to forgive her for not doing what the Lord asked her to do. She said the Holy Spirit had impressed on her to reach out to me, knowing it might be difficult parenting a child with a disability, but she never followed through. I forgave her, and didn’t blame her for not approaching me, because I understood parenting a child with a disability is a sensitive topic.

As time progressed, I gained the courage to speak about my son, and the more I spoke about him, I felt the burden I was carrying become lighter each time. Some didn’t understand his diagnosis, others didn’t have much to say, and unfortunately others had too much to say. One day, I was approached by an individual who asked, “with all that chatter in your home, why can’t Anthony speak yet?”. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to feel. I know my blog is entitled A Truthful Journey, but I don’t want to disclose the thought that came to my mind afterwards... ☹ I thought that was such an insensitive comment.

Despite my son’s condition, he displays a pure and genuine love like no other. Every school he attended, the teachers spoke very highly of him and asked for him to visit whenever he left. Praise God! We were also told by many individuals how affectionate and friendly he is, and how many people were encouraged by his love. Praise God! One night before he climbed into bed, he gave me such a big hug, as if it were God himself wrapping His arms around me and hugging me telling me all will be well. It took a while, but one day I prayed, asking God to forgive me for all the negative thoughts I was carrying towards Him and my failure of not bonding with my son. I honestly thought God was punishing me for something I had done.

As time progressed, I began to accept the fact that Anthony was made in the image and likeness of God; that he is a child of God and I should treat him with love and respect. I didn’t only accept this for my son, but I realized all children with disabilities deserve the same love and respect. In 2005, we moved to our new home, and during that year I was able to connect with other parents who were caring for children with disabilities. For Anthony’s birthday that year, my husband and I decided to invite parents and their children with disabilities, since we wanted those children and their parents to feel love and accepted in our home. We bought a mini swimming pool, my husband barbequed, and my daughters interacted with the children. It brought me joy seeing the parents laugh as their kids would splash water on them from the pool, or even the big smiles that were on the children’s faces that communicates a sense of belonging. One of the moms even thanked me for inviting her son, because that was the first time he was ever invited to a birthday party. My heart broke.

I’m sharing this post because there are many parents caring for children with disabilities who feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, desire for their children to be accepted by their peers and long for their children to be treated with love and respect like all the others. I’ve seen many people stay and listen to what Anthony has to say, (and trust me, he always has something to say) 😊 I’ve seen others walk away, I’ve seen some lovingly accept his embraces, and I’ve seen others brush him off, failing to realize he also has feelings. At first it bothered me, but then I realized some people just don’t know how to interact with him, and I understand.

One of the things that touched my heart was when my sister Diane and her family came to visit us last year, her son KJ was meeting Anthony for the first time. Throughout the evening I went to check on Anthony and I met them both playing in his bedroom. Now, this was a BIG DEAL, because Anthony has social anxiety when coming to children, and normally tries to avoid them at all costs. But it was different this time. What shocked me even more was when they left, Anthony asked for him! While speaking with my sister, she told me her and her husband teach their kids to treat everyone equally and with love and respect. Thanks sis!

I must confess that I’m extremely protective over Anthony because I don’t want to see him get hurt. However, one thing I’ve learnt, is that he is God’s child, and God loves, cares and protects him better than I could. My husband has mentioned we don’t experience the common stressors other parents encounter when raising a teenage son. We don’t receive calls that Anthony is making poor choices at school; or stay up all hours of the night wondering if he’s safe. Whenever we go to bed at night we don’t worry about his whereabouts, because we know he’s at home. I thank God for that assurance.

Having Anthony has taught me unconditional love, and how to appreciate and treat everyone with love and compassion. I can’t imagine life without him. He has brought so much joy to me, our family and everyone he meets. Whenever we visit my mother-in-law, it’s a joy to see him interact with some of the seniors in her building. We see the joy he brings to them, and we love it.

My family and I truly appreciate those who intentionally interact with Anthony and lend him a listening ear. Although he cannot communicate well, he desires to be accepted by others and longs to feel loved and accepted. We all do. So I encourage you to follow the second, greatest command and love your neighbours as yourself, not forgetting that children with disabilities are also your neighbours.

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16