Girl, you ain't All That!!

As a teenager, I spent most of my summer vacations learning how to make different things at my pastor’s home. From straw hats to table mats and bags - we made what seemed to be everything. Although I was learning to become more industrious, I never really liked going there. I always thought my mom sent us there as a form of punishment. There was no fun, no play, no telling jokes. Just work. So much for my summer vacation. On one particular day, my pastor decided to read to us a passage from Proverbs 6:16-19, which read, “These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”

A proud look? A lying tongue? Those sounded all too familiar - too familiar for it to be considered a mere coincidence. As she continued reading, I began feeling uneasy. I was not only aware of this passage, but I was also guilty of practicing most of those abominable things. I was quite scared once she finished reading, and wondered why she chose that particular passage. Did my mom tell her about my lying tendencies? Was this a message from God? I’d never know. She proceeded to explain that God hated these practices, and hoped her impromptu sermon would put a fear of God in me. Well, I guess it worked, because as I grew older, that passage frequently came to mind or conveniently appeared while I was doing a devotional reading. God, are you trying to tell me something? Even if He was, I didn’t give it much thought, and why should I have to? I, Debbie, was not a proud person - right? Then again, does anyone ever admit they are proud?

Fast forward many years later, to one beautiful spring morning, I was having a conversation with the Lord regarding something I experienced that week. I began reminiscing about the time I attended a women’s conference, and was quite disappointed when the speaker I was looking forward to hearing showed up late. Not only was she late, but her busy schedule prevented her from preparing a message for the service. She even mentioned having to change in the airport bathroom due to all the hustle and bustle between events! I became quite despondent and questioned if that’s what happens to people once they ‘make it big’. Do they over exert themselves and jampack their schedules in order to feel important and wanted by all? Although those may not have been her motives, it got me thinking about how life could turn out if we do too much for the sake of thinking we’ve made it in life.

As I continued questioning God, He showed me a vision of a playground with a tall slide in the middle. Some children were climbing up having fun, some stopped midway, while others were afraid to continue climbing due to its height. Then I heard the Lord say, “Never stop climbing Debbie, never think you’ve arrived. Keep on climbing no matter what.” Never think you’ve arrived? What was that supposed to mean? As I kept looking at what the Lord was illustrating, I also saw that some children were sliding down really fast, so fast, they’d hit their butt and never venture up the slide again. On the other hand, others came down quickly, but although they fell hard on their butt, they dusted themselves off and continued climbing. At that moment, I felt God was telling me to guard myself against the ‘I’ve arrived’ mentality - that I should never stop and think I’ve made it in life. There’s always room for growth. Unfortunately, there was a time when I forgot about that illustration and believed, in fact, that I did “arrive”.

It started back in 1995, when God began transforming my life, and things started escalating very quickly. I immediately felt a sense of importance, as people began talking about me and what God was doing in my life. It was like I made breaking news! I was asked to do things I’ve never done before, such as moderate services, facilitate small groups and even exhort on Sunday mornings. I was doing big things, and people were noticing. I even started hearing from God in prayer! Wasn’t that only for the big shots?! Anyway, I was at a place that was completely new to me - so new that I didn’t know how to process it all. It was like someone becoming a millionaire overnight who doesn’t know how to handle all that money and the fame that comes with it - and I surely didn't. It got to the point where one day, I was speaking to someone who had been a pastor for over 15 years, and I felt I knew more than him, which I certainly didn’t. I was quite critical and continuously corrected him regarding certain things. I was puffed up, and wanted to prove that I was hearing from God and doing ‘big things’ for the kingdom. I vividly remember him gently correcting me by stating I was new to this life, and didn’t know more than him; that I ought to listen to what he was saying. Although I felt embarrassed, I didn’t pay him any mind. I was on a mission to let people know when they were wrong, and I was the right one to tell them, since I was hearing from God. Talk about thinking I was all of that! But wasn’t I doing the right thing?

I decided to speak to my former pastor one day, informing her of all the great things that were happening in my life, and she was ecstatic to hear. She said to me, “Debbie, as God begins to use you, I want you to remain humble. Don’t allow pride to enter your heart.” Yeah, yeah. Remain humble, don’t let pride enter - same old jargon. I didn’t give her words much thought, because one thing I knew, these feelings of importance were real, and I didn’t want to lose them. My prayers were being answered, and doors of employment were opening for me. I started climbing up the corporate ladder within the company faster than those who were there years before me. Even my coworkers and managers were talking about how quickly things were happening for me. I was living the life! On the last day at my workplace, a going away party was held in my honor. As I read the farewell cards, one of the managers wrote she was happy I was leaving, because now she can look at her Soap Operas in peace, without my disdain or critical attitude. Not only was I prideful, but I was a controlling and manipulative person. Was that how they truly saw me? Maybe I’ll never know.

Years later, I was asked to speak at church. As I sought God regarding what to speak on, Daniel 4 came to mind. The chapter was about King Nebuchadnezzar’s dream which frightened him, but verse 15 was what stood out to me, where the stump was not to be cut down. The remaining stump gave the tree hope that one day, it will grow again, which it did, but only when the King came to his senses and acknowledged there was no other God like The Most High. I never thought for one moment God was speaking to me and using that passage to convict me. I figured this message was for “the people”; however, the imagery with the stump never left my mind, and I never thought to ask why.

As time went on, the vision of the playground slide occasionally crossed my mind, but again, I gave it little thought. In all of this, one thing was certain, God loved me, and as a good father, he was warning me of the ways that would lead to my downfall, but it was my duty to heed. I was not paying attention to His promptings. I was too puffed up; too high and mighty to think I was wrong. Some time later, I was told some folks at church were talking about me, saying I was given too many privileges at church. I didn’t say anything, but I was confused. There I was, no longer gossiping, but doing “the Lord’s work,” and still, others had something to complain about. I’ve been given too many privileges. Those words kept ringing in my head. Was I given one, too many? Even if that was the case, I deserved it. Look how far I’ve come! I wasn’t going to let anyone’s slander dampen my mood. As I was moderating the service a few Sundays later, I addressed the congregation with what I thought was a matter I had “heard from God”. In my pride, I never sought advice from the leadership as to how to address it to the church. I thought I knew enough. I thought I knew it all. I was on this spiritual high that prevented me from operating in godly wisdom. I was on this spiritual high that eventually left me feeling very low. After making my statement, some of the folks were very upset, and the service came to a stand still as some people started to respond to what was said. I was filled with shame. What did I just do?

From that time onward, I was going downhill without realizing. I was no longer asked to do things or placed in leadership roles. I felt bypassed for roles that were given to those who I thought were “unqualified”. My desire for God decreased, and He was no longer my top priority. It was obvious that pride was now leading to my downfall. It finally caught up to me. One day, I became upset at an incident that occured at a church event, and no longer wanted to attend functions anymore. I didn’t want to be at a place where I’d be spoken about. I chose to work the night shift even though I knew there was something happening at church. For months, I didn’t attend bible studies, and the reality of why some people leave churches was staring me square in the face. Later on, I told my husband I didn’t want to be in a place where I didn’t feel appreciated, to which he advised me to refrain from making a rash decision that I may later regret. I truly had lost the desire I once had, all because I allowed pride to enter my heart and blind me. Thankfully, God used my husband to open my eyes with his simple, yet wise words.

Some time later, a senior member approached me while I was standing in the lobby at church. She encouraged me by saying, “Sister Debbie, I’ve noticed you haven't been active in church for a while, did someone say or do something to you?” She went on to say, “get back there with God.” Get back there with God. Yes, that was exactly what I needed to do. I immediately thanked her and walked away. It was at that moment I realized she noticed. The same way people were noticing my former ‘glory days’, they were also noticing my ‘downfall’. Although she’s no longer with us, I’m grateful God used that encounter to showcase my shortcomings and correct me. Not long after, Daniel 4 came back to mind, and like Nebuchadnezzar, I came to my senses. I repented of the pride that had controlled my heart. I repented of my arrogance that caused me to act in rash and unloving ways. As for my Sunday morning shenanigan, I called the individuals who were involved, and apologized. They informed me how hurt they were, but chose to forgive me, and in what appeared to be several months, I finally got back in fellowship with God and others. He revealed the areas in which I was prideful, and showed me how I needed to humble myself as a wife, mother, sister and His follower. As he revealed those areas for growth, I felt embarrassed at first, then I realized, God is a Good Father and will lovingly discipline us, no matter how painful it is. He wants us to be more like him.

As I walked into church months later, my Pastor’s daughter said to me, “Oh sister Debbie, you look so beautiful this morning,” and at the same time, my Pastor opened his office door and said, “it's the anointing that has returned to her.” I looked at him, smiled and turned my head. It truly felt that way. I felt new. As I continue on this truthful journey, I am reminded that whenever I choose to walk in pride, God will oppose me. I can’t always blame the devil for my mishaps, when it just may be God opposing me. I encourage you, dear readers, to check your heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you through His word and show you the ways you have been prideful. He will certainly do so.

God is continuing His work of sanctification in my life. I’m mindful of my thought process, and habitually check my motives before agreeing to do things. I strive to always honour God, and remind myself that He will exalt me in due time - that is not my duty. I remind myself that I don’t have to be the first person to answer a question in bible study, or I don’t have to feel upset when things don't happen for me in the ways I desire. I no longer feel the desire to boast about what I’m doing, or what’s happening for me. Sometimes, I just need to be silent, and yes, I can be silent!