Did You Just Say "No"?

This must be a family curse, I thought, as I heard of my sister’s struggle as a people pleaser. Moved with compassion and empathy, I mentioned that was also something I struggled with for years, as I had an extremely difficult time saying no. It appeared that others  - including my pastor also began noticing this struggle of mine and they stepped in to provide guidance. In the early 90’s he gave me a few books to read including, The Pleasers: Women Who Can't Say No - And the Men Who Control by Kevin Leman. As I began reading, it felt like the author was talking about me because the stories in the book were so identical to mine. Is there another people-pleasing Debbie somewhere in the world?  Prior to reading the book, I thought these people-pleasing tendencies were original to me and not a struggle of so many others. I began to believe something was wrong with me due to the experiences and encounters I had with family and friends. 

One day, I went to visit my close friend who owned a hair salon. “Deb, sit in my chair, I’ll give you a complimentary hair wash” she mentioned, and so she did! Since there were no other customers in the salon, she gave me all the works - wash, blow dry and style. I couldn’t be happier and left with an extra bounce in my step. When I showed up to a church meeting the following day, someone  sarcastically stated, “some people complain about not having money, but they can show up with a new hairstyle”. I froze in my seat and slightly held my breath. I started feeling guilty for my new hairstyle, especially the fact that I didn’t pay for it. After the meeting, I sought out the person who made the comment to inform them of my complimentary hair style. When that failed, I went as far as seeking out the facilitator to let them know my hairstyle was free. I couldn’t believe how much of a people-pleaser I was. Why did I have to go to such great lengths to justify my new hair style? I left feeling deflated and unfortunately, I never went back to my friend’s shop - something I regret to this day. 

As I reflected on my life, I realized two things. Firstly, this behaviour stemmed from my lack of confidence as a child, and as a result, I allowed people to treat me however they wanted, hoping they’d accept me. I did things I truly didn’t want to in order to please others and receive their validation. Secondly, I observed this behaviour displayed in my home. My dad was the town’s nice man who rarely said “no” to anyone. He’d come home from work exhausted, take a quick rest, but if someone called for assistance, he’d wake himself up and off he went to their rescue. This behaviour drove my mother up the wall and I’d occasionally hear her say “your father can never say no!” Time after time, I observed my father’s inability to set healthy boundaries and unfortunately, I too began to have difficulty saying that two-letter word. My inability to create healthy boundaries was eating me up on the inside and I so deeply admired those assertive women who could stand up for themselves, and say what they mean and mean what they say. Why is this so difficult for me to do? Unfortunately, this tendency followed me all the way down the aisle and to the altar on my wedding day. 

My husband began noticing this toxic tendency of mine, and during a conversation we had one day - six years into our marriage - he advised that I needed to start setting boundaries. He further addressed my tendency to easily tell him no, yet I struggle to say it to others. How could I be so hypocritical? Not only was this tendency detrimental to my marriage, it was detrimental to my well-being. People capitalized on my weakness and started taking advantage of me in various ways and when I tried saying no, I’d quickly default to my people-pleasing ways. I started becoming angry with myself and resented my own behaviour. I was teased and referred to as “the pleaser”, and despite my displeasure with those remarks, I still found it difficult to communicate my feelings, so I simply laughed it off.  A time came, however, when all my frustration came to the surface and I wasn’t laughing anymore. 

It was late 1993, and I was a few months pregnant with our second child. I walked into a group meeting, when someone decided to joke about me being pregnant with baby number two. Well, I had enough and completely lost it. I turned to the person and said, “at least I can have children.” Did I really just say that? I immediately saw their jovial and comical demeanor turn into embarrassment and disbelief. The strange thing was, I felt better. Is this normal? Are my pregnancy hormones acting up? Is this how it feels to stand up for myself? Until that point, I struggled with communicating my feelings and informing others of how their words or actions affected me. Unfortunately, this individual got the brunt of my bottled up anger and frustration. 

Not only did my tendency affect my relationship with others, it also skewed my perspective of God - I believed I had to do things in order for Him to love me. If I wasn’t doing, then He certainly wouldn't love me. How erroneous and far from the truth! By God’s grace, I learned that my righteousness and holiness are in Christ Jesus and I am accepted by God because of Him. There was nothing I could do to make God love me more, and that was a struggle for some time. Thankfully, years later I started reading Who I Am by Neil Anderson and he itemized our identity in Christ according to Ephesians. While reading, the words I Am Accepted by Christ, jumped off the page. There was nothing I could have done in order to be accepted - Christ makes me acceptable to God. Praise God! I was so overwhelmed with joy over this new, found truth and the revelations were just getting started!

No is not an insult, it is an answer. That was my next revelation. The day I heard someone utter those words, I took them and ran! I began to say no to whoever crossed my path - first to my kids, then to my husband, then to my siblings then to my friends. I was dishing out Nos like an Oprah Winfrey giveaway - you get a No, she gets a No, everybody gets a No! I not only practiced saying no, but I intentionally started setting boundaries and although it felt good, it certainly came with challenges - saying no to those who control and manipulate. Such a person will gaslight and manipulate you with the hopes of changing your answer and that’s exactly what happened to me. One day I replied no when asked to do something; however, I was guilt tripped in order to change my mind and unfortunately, I gave in. My husband looked at me and asked why I changed my mind and to this day, I don’t know why. Although I was discouraged by that minor defeat, there were so many instances where I left feeling victorious. 

One day at work, my boss came in and started swearing at me and a colleague for work that needed to be done that morning. I stood there shocked and my co-worker stood there crying. Something must be done! Later that morning, I called my boss requesting to meet with her - to which she agreed- and with my co-worker present, I mentioned my extreme displeasure with how she addressed us and explained that the incomplete work was left by another associate and furthermore, we were doing our tasks first before tackling what needed to be done. She didn’t lift up her head to make eye contact as she started to cry. She apologized for her behaviour and explained that the pressure was on her and she unfortunately took it out on us. As we walked out from the office, my co-worker thanked me for speaking up. I felt good (and somewhat prideful I must admit); however, a deep feeling of joy overwhelmed me in knowing that I didn’t have to compromise on setting healthy boundaries for the sake of respecting and pleasing others - I could do both. 

I no longer do things to please others. First and foremost, I desire to please God. As I wrote this post, I was reminded of the sermon my pastor preached in the early 2000 entitled, “Who Is In Your Grandstand.” For me it’s Christ. I realized, I can’t attend every party and I can’t attend every function nor can I attend to the needs of all people at all times or be at everyone’s beck and call - there are times I will have to say no, and I must be content with my decision. I thank God that I’ve come to a place where I can set healthy boundaries and walk away at peace with my decisions. I came to the conclusion that the more I begin to please God and seek His validation, the less I desire to please others. To God be the glory.  

People-pleasers have learned that it feels good to be liked by others, so they steer their words and actions in the direction that offers the most approval. On the surface, people-pleasers appear to be selfless, kind, and generous. However, beneath the surface, they are desperately insecure and believe that approval equals value. They eventually find that trying to please people all the time is not only exhausting, it is impossible. Some people-pleasers may start manipulating relationships and situations in order to gain the rush of satisfaction associated with creating pleasant responses in others. So the term people-pleaser is actually a misnomer. People-pleasers strive to please everyone because they are trying to please themselves. Got Questions

So that you will  walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every.  

Colossians 1:10