A Pain Like No Other

The year was 1997. My Pastor had just dropped me home from a prayer meeting, and by the time I got in, our daughters were already asleep. As I walked towards our room, I noticed the lights were still on, which meant my husband was still awake. That’s one of his many, great qualities that I love; whenever I am out, he stays awake until I get home. Such a protector. That night, I felt it was time to speak to my husband about me. Yes, me. Although we were married for 8 years at the time, I chose not to disclose many aspects of my past and my person to him, and gave him a false notion about myself. Although we slept on the same bed and ate meals together, he didn’t know me, and I certainly didn’t want him to. I feared the truth of who I was would scare him away, and I didn’t want to lose him, but in my efforts of trying not to lose him, I lost the joy of intimacy that comes from being vulnerable with the one I love. I lost the joy of giving him all of me. That night as we sat in bed, I began to speak with him about my past. I was completely vulnerable in hopes that he would understand who I was and what motivated me to act in certain ways. I was finally able to get that burden off my chest, because for the first time in my life, I was no longer ashamed of who I was.

I started off by asking his forgiveness for the ways I treated him during the earlier years of our marriage. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I was fighting with him even on our honeymoon. Our honeymoon! No matter what he did, it was never good enough. Throughout the first two years of our marriage, I constantly accused him of being unfaithful, when that wasn’t the case. I was insecure, broken and hurting. I was slowly pushing him away. I was slowly losing him. For the first time that night, I opened up to him about being sexually abused at a young age, and the difficulty I underwent throughout my teenage years. (You can read about it in my previous post Are You Faking It?)

As I continued sharing, he started to cry. I thought to myself, wow, he’s really taking this harder than I thought. That’s when he said, “Debbie, I wish I had known this about you before, as I would not have done the things that I’ve done.” What things? I was suddenly bombarded with so many questions and so many fears as to what the answer could be. I asked reluctantly, “have you been unfaithful?” I looked at him, and tears began flowing down his cheeks. I knew what those tears meant - he didn’t have to say a word. My heart began to race. I went into a shock. Unfaithful? That can’t be. I was in a daze. I was in disbelief! I really didn’t want to hear more, and seeing it was almost 4:00am, I decided to sleep, in hopes of waking up from this nightmare I hoped I was dreaming. As I tried to doze off, I kept hearing the words, “I’m sorry Debbie, I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry Debbie, I’m sorry. I woke up with those words playing in my head. It wasn’t a dream. We started getting ready and attended church as usual; I didn’t say much to him, I couldn’t. So many questions raced through my mind. How could he do that? How could he come home every day like nothing happened? When was he planning on telling me? Was he ever planning on telling me? I was hurting. I was deeply hurting. Sad to say, I felt this feeling before. My past pain resurfaced as I relived the betrayal I once experienced from past relationships - the only difference now, was the betrayal was from my husband. Our drive to church that morning, was silent.

During the service, I quickly glimpsed at him, and saw tears rolling down his cheeks. Why is he the one crying, aren’t I the victim here? Were those tears of remorse? Tears of shame? In all my years of knowing him, I have never seen him so broken, and as I stood there staring, I started feeling sorry for him. Was this normal? I tried not to look at him, and for the remainder of the service, I was in a fog. I couldn’t focus. Everything just seemed like a blur. As service came to a close, I was reminded of his promise to continue our conversation when we got home. I definitely wasn’t looking forward to that moment, and I was most certain he wasn’t either! After church, we both greeted the folks as usual, and I tried to appear as chipper and lively as I possibly could. Did they notice something was wrong? Well, little did they know I was a ticking time bomb, on the brink of exploding at any moment. Little did I know, that night my life would change forever.

Once we got home, ate dinner and settled the girls in bed, we headed to our room. I sat there, waiting quietly and scared. It was just me and my wild thoughts at that moment. Who could he have done this with? When did it happen? What did I do wrong? So many things were running through my mind, and although I wanted answers, I didn’t pressure him; I waited until he was ready. He then looked at me and asked, “who are you, and why are you so calm?” Why was I so calm? Maybe it was the shock that left me numb and motionless. Maybe I was paralyzed by the pain. Or maybe it was because if I were to open my mouth, I would have wounded him with the daggers of my words. We sat there in silence. All there was to listen to was the beat of my pounding heart and the slow ticking of the clock. An hour passed, and he finally mustered the courage to disclose what happened on that day and with whom.

With her!? Time froze. I felt the blood leave my head, and it started to get harder to breathe. Please let this only be a nightmare, but it wasn’t. This was reality. This was my reality. She was someone I spoke on the phone with almost every day. She was someone I had allowed my husband to pick up for church. She was someone I complained about my husband to. I looked at my husband, as he sat there crying uncontrollably. I sat on the bed in total shock. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t cry. I needed air! It was about 11:00pm, and I remember saying I needed to go for a walk to clear my head, to which he requested to accompany me. I wanted to be alone; however, he talked me out of going, so I stayed home. The rest of that night was a blur. The following morning when he awoke, he was still crying, and I was still speechless - still tearless. This was a pain like no other.

The following day, I decided to face my fear. I called. As crazy as it sounds, I somehow mustered up the strength to pick up the phone and dial her number. The phone rang. My chest got tight. What was I doing? Then finally, I heard a “hello”. I took a deep breath, and told her that I was aware of what happened four years ago. I told her that I forgave her. To my surprise, she responded, “I heard you were changed, I guess you are really changed.” Honestly, I didn’t care much about what she said and I was not about to get into any conversation with her, so I hung up. Days later, I realized I was too quick to call. What was I thinking, calling and offering forgiveness? Who was I trying to impress with this self- righteous act? Deep down inside, I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but I just couldn’t. After all, I had no one to blame but myself. Right? I chose to share things about my husband and our marriage with her, and sadly, she took those things and disclosed it to my husband. During those times, all I wanted was someone to vent all my frustration and complaints to. During those times, I was losing my husband.

After a day or two of not saying anything, I couldn’t take it any longer. My suppressed anger, bitterness and rage resurfaced like an active volcano. I finally exploded. How could you be stupid! I was furious, and broken, with a heart of stone. I didn't want to forgive my husband, and even when I did, I tried to “revoke” my forgiveness, if there’s even such a thing. I had suppressed my feelings because I thought it was the “Christian” thing to do. Wrong. Supressing my feelings only made me a prisoner to my pain, leaving me trapped in a cell that I had the power to free myself from, but I didn’t know I had the key. I didn’t know my self-inflicted prison cell would leave me in a worse condition than I perceived. I was in a very unhealthy place. Whenever I saw him speaking with females, known or unknown to me, I automatically became suspicious. I defaulted to my old ways. I didn’t trust him. How could I trust someone who says, “I love you” then turns around and hurts you? I became bitter and constantly asked myself, was I not good enough?

After years of wrestling with the pain and hurt, and as God began to heal my wounded heart, I discovered I am good enough. I discovered that in the past, I condemned my husband for a sin God forgiven him for, and was convicted as I read the account of the woman caught in adultery. The Pharisees wanted her stoned to death, as was the custom for such a crime, but Jesus in all of His wisdom, said, “ let him that is without sin, cast the first stone.” No one could cast a stone, and they all walked away, leaving the woman standing with Jesus. I was like those Pharisees. I, too, had my stones in hand, and on many occasions I casted them at my husband. How could you do this to me? First stone. How could you say you love me and hurt me like this? Second stone. You call yourself a Christian? Third stone. I constantly reminded him of what he did, and constantly condemned him for his sin. I wanted him to feel ashamed, all the while forgetting I also needed forgiveness.

I would be lying if I told you forgiveness and trust came easy after such a heartache, but it didn’t. It took years of God pruning me and reminding me I ought to show mercy to my husband just as He has been so merciful to me. It took me dying to my pride and confessing my own sin that negatively affected our union. It took us deciding to seek professional help in order to make our marriage work. I remember my husband telling me that he wanted this marriage, and I did too. I thank God for His forbearance and the people He sent in our lives to help us along that journey. I thank God for my Pastor and his wife who helped and counselled me throughout that difficult process. And I thank God that today, I can sincerely say I have forgiven my husband. Although he has his regrets, it’s up to me to assure him by my actions that I have forgiven him. That I love him.

I encourage those of you who are married to take your marriage seriously, as you made a covenant before God. Flee temptation. Let your marriage bed be undefiled. Confess your sins to one another. Don’t render evil for evil. Cherish your spouse, and do not hide things from them. Honour the institution God has created and hold it with high esteem. Most importantly, draw near to Christ, as He is the only One who can knit your hearts together. And please don’t think adultery only constitutes as sexual acts. Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-28 You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery. But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman (or man) with lust has already committed adultery with her (or him) in his/her heart. Therefore, guard your heart and your mind. Don’t give the enemy an opportunity to destroy that which God has blessed.

Finally, I want to encourage someone to give your marriage a chance - don’t walk away from it. I understand you may be deeply wounded by what your spouse has done, or is currently doing, but I can assure you there is no greater joy than that of reconciliation. Let your marriage be a beautiful demonstration of the Father’s love towards His children and his desire to reconcile us back to Himself despite our sin and rebellion. I encourage you to ask God to remove your heart of stone, and give you a heart of flesh - He’ll certainly do it. Yes, what my husband did was wrong and it hurt like hell, but we both chose to work through it even though it took many years. We both put in the work to be where we are today, and it was definitely worth it.

To this day, my husband and I have been married for 31 years now. To God be the glory! The journey definitely had its fill of pain and heartache, but I’ve told my husband on many occasions, I believe God has a plan to use our brokenness and hurtful past to help others; I’m so thankful that he humbly gave me permission to share this part of our past with you. I’m so thankful that we both aren’t the same, broken people we were on that night.

Thirteen years ago, I received a call from the young lady and she said to me, “I never got the opportunity to ask you to forgive me, but I’m asking you if you can.” To which I responded, I forgive you. Although I don’t speak with her, once in a while she’ll cross my mind and I’ll pray for her. I thank God that I can say with sincerity that I have forgiven her. I am free.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day this weekend, I’m encouraging you to open up your heart and offer your spouse or loved one the best gift ever. Forgiveness.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.